I sit on my bed pondering on my faith journey over the years. It has been an interesting one. There are many things I held on to dearly that I do not anymore. Maybe I’m realizing that the essence of faith is not trying to hold on so tightly, but to be held.
There are many things I thought I knew for certain that I don’t anymore. For instance, what happens right after a person dies? I don’t know. How will the world, as we know it, end? I don’t know.
And I may never know.
Again, what if the essence of faith is not to know, but to trust. What if faith wasn’t meant to be easy, but to be simple — to trust. After all, it wouldn’t be trust if all the variables were certain and oh! how difficult it is to trust in uncertainty.
So I wonder a lot, I wander too. On my worst days, I am a doubter. I am like, Thomas who said, “Until I see and touch, I won’t believe.” Jesus did not condemn Thomas and say, “you faithless one, no kingdom for you.” Jesus shows Thomas his hands, “touch it”, he said. So Jesus gets it. Jesus cares for the doubters, too. He cares for the people who need a sign to believe. On my best days, I am one of those of whom Jesus said, “blessed are those who have not seen, yet believe”.
On some days, I feel lost. And I ask myself, “what is it that I believe exactly?” But just because I feel lost doesn’t mean that I am. If I am not doing the holding, if I trust that I am held, then I am never truly lost. Home is here, in me.
So once again, I’ll pack up my bags and move, like the wind. With the wind.
And don’t ask me to come home
I wander
But I’m not lost
I carry home with me
